Trying to hurt Goodbye

Can't sleep.
Not sure if it is can't, or don't want to.
The whole house is asleep and all day I think of sleep and climbing in bed but then when the time comes I just lay here.
I can just stare at the ceiling, listen to him snore, and feel the tears roll down onto the pillow, leaving a wet circle for me to eventually pass out on.
Now I don't want sympathy and definitely not pity because I know I have so many who understand and relate. I'm just sharing.
There are times the darn thought of him leaving just makes me so emotional and pissed that I want to scream. You know the crazy girl outside with her hands in a fist, being pushed down by locked arms and stiff legs, shaking body, tilting her head back and making a scream that sounds more like a woman who would rather break something, hurt something, anything than just let out a noise. The sound that when you hear it, it's better to steer clear. But the thing I'm angry at isn't anything I can physically touch or put my hands around. After all how do you hurt goodbye? It has all the power in hurting you.

I'm so tired of goodbye. See you later. Watching him walk away, knowing everything that everyone involved is going to miss out on. Mostly him. Praying that This Time when he comes home, it'll be easier than the last. I'm just angry, then sad, then angry, then numb. It's all exhausting really, yet I am laying here in my bed punching out the white blocks on my phone hoping it will make me too exhausted to even be exhausted with the thought anymore.

The days are passing so quick that to fall asleep and let the night take anymore time seems like I should he punished for not taking advantage of every moment. To fall asleep and wake up knowing for however many hours, I didn't listen, or run my fingers up and down his arm, it feels like a crime. How can I let that slip by?

If it were only a few months, I'd be okay. That's a piece of cake for me. No one should have to know for a year that each holiday, birthday, anniversary could be your last or to know you won't have this next year. It'll be atleast 2 years before it rolls around again (maybe) for you to share together.
Some may say you should live like today is your last day and part of me agrees. You should enjoy every minute because you don't know when they may end. Living like that is different than living with the knowledge that he may never share another moment with you and you will have to live them alone.
To have it staring in your face every day is like staring in to a black cloud of haze that continues to suck you dry of you.
My ceiling is full of images from our 8 years together. And as I lay here I see flashes of memories we have together. Like a photo album you flip through with each blink. I just pray the images I have aren't all there will ever be.
Now if I could just get the radio to stop playing sappy love songs and change to some partying or drinking songs, I might be able to turn off my mind from thinking this way. Then again it might feel better to throw it against the wall for continuing to help me feel sad and pushing more tears out, onto my pillow that now I need to flip it over so I don't have my cold tears resting on my cheek.
Guess I'll just turn it off instead. Wouldn't want to hurt the wall because that wouldn't help either. Again its goodbye I want to punch.

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Day 3 (3sixty5) Happy Thanksgiving!

Doesn't Jonathan look so amused!? What can I say, he likes to pretend. Lol

Today was a really wonderful day. We had our neighbors, Danielle and Chuck oversight their three kiddos and made a bunch of food. They made the turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, pumpkin pie, stuffing, and biscuits while we made the ham, green bean casserole (Mikes fave!), cherry pie, macaroni, and jello. It was awesome making our first Thanksgiving dinner together. The cherry pie was interesting but good. Haha

It was tough not being with either of our families, but nice to know we can enjoy the day with each other and friends. Now that the day is done, I'm a little sad knowing next year we will be apart, but even more of a reason to enjoy it more than we do. There is so much for us to be grateful for and we are.

Hope everyone else had such a nice day. Now tomorrow it's time to decorate for Christmas. I am not going to join the crazier for Black Friday either. I did it last year, we can take this one off. :0)

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Day 2 (3sixty5)

While waiting at Jayce's Dr's appointment on Wednesday, he kept himself busy (and) happy by playing with the water. When he realized he could reach it was over!
He checked out to be fine. He seemed like he might have a sore throat or issue with his ears, but it was good. He seems to have allergies a little but nothing too bad. They gave us some zyrtec but he won't have it unless he needs it. As of now he seems to be feeling better each day. :0)

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Day 1 (3sixty5)

Bekah is practicing her reading with Daddy. We have to make sure she is at 20wpm for her testing in December and she is past that. We are very proud of her.

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New Design

Finally! I have taken the time to sit down, design my blog, and get it set up the way I want. It has been too long since I wrote on my here but with this last year going as fast as it has, it has me realizing how important it is to really remember and 'freeze' each day with memories. I mean it's already almost 2011!! I don't know why the world keeps spinning faster, but each year I find myself saying, "It feels like just yesterday...." and then ending with a date almost a year ago. It's depressing really because it's all flying by but I am determined to hold on to each one.

I was going to start a 365 project at the first of the year, but why wait!? With each day being one less together before Mike deploys and we have to wait 2 years to have the holiday's together again, now is the time to start and not wait. The only thing missing in our day to day is Michael, and it's tough to have him far away, but it'll be exciting to see him in March and be all together for a couple of weeks.

So tomorrow I will start taking pictures again (atleast 1 per day) and sharing them with what we did that day. Now I warn you, some days will be more boring than others!! LOL We are after all, a military family with school, work, and never enough beach days! :O)

Losing the Battle

Man it feels like my fast turning world is going to crash and shatter soon. This ride is making me sick, literally, and slowly I am becoming a big mess.
Moments each day, I think of life in a few months, I can feel the breath get sucked out of me and fill up with tears. I have done this twice before, and I really wish this crap would get easier. My life has turned back to the consuming fear of this could be our last everything and breaking that fear is incredibly hard. Our last Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, we may not make it past 8 years together, I may never have him to kiss on my birthday again.
The Army wants my husband to leave again and fight, this time in Afghanistan. We have a few months together and then my life will be back to hell. How do you prepare for this crap!?? Like twice before there is no darn answer to that question. I am terrified. I have never felt so scared for a deployment. Maybe it's because I have two babies now....or maybe it's because of where he's going this time....or maybe because you can't help but wonder if his luck will run out 'this time'. Maybe it's the fear of another homecoming and the time it takes to pick up the pieces when he comes home, and the man you fell in love with has changed a little more again. I don't know, but I know I don't want the day to come when I have to watch him walk away from me Again and hope it's not the last time.
I feel so alone, and as an Army wife, you know you're not, but how can you tell others their husband will be fine, when you're trying to convince yourself the same thing. There are no guarantees in anything and I feel like a fraud when I try to be supportive to other ladies asking for my advice and guidance.
Pretend! That's all I know to do. Pretend he's down the street, pretend he'll be there when you wake up, pretend your heart isn't breaking every day, and no matter how much it feels like you are, you aren't losing the battle of keeping it together! I hate pretending....

Penny for Your Thoughts

Today, as a Mommy and Daughter was tough.

My day was full of choking back tears and trying not to lose it at any moment.
Growing up you are always ready to run, ready to leave, and ready to 'start your life'. Along the way people try to tell you not to be in a rush and enjoy your youth, but who wants to listen to that!? Not me.
I loved my life and my childhood but like every kid, I wanted to make my own decisions and be out on my own where no one could tell me what to do, and I could live the free life. That happened, for about 6 months. :O)
Standing there today, my two babies got their first haircuts at a salon, and all I could think was "Where is the rewind button?" I saw it all in fast forward up to that moment and it made me sad to see all that I had missed along the way because I was in a hurry to get to the next moment.

In those few moments, I took it in and my heart was filled with joy and so much happiness I couldn't believe where my life has traveled to. Jayce is 17 months in 3 days, and Bekah is going to be 7. 7!? I can remember where I was, what I was doing, and what I wanted at 7. I wanted it all to hurry up so I could be 8...13...16...18. I hope Bekah doesn't but I know she's a little girl and does. We've already had the conversation how when she is a grown up, she is going to change her name to Penny. LOL She saw it on a show and thinks it's a pretty name and wants it to be hers. I agreed, when she's grown up, she can and I will always remember that moment even though she won't.

Then there is Jayce. My little boy, my heart melter. He lost his baby curls today and to me looks 6 months older! I tear up right now as I think of it because it hurts. He's changing so much, I see it every day and I know he will be grown much faster than I want. He's so handsome with his new haircut, but it's that first official step that he won't be a 'baby' much longer.

Mama's know. Thought of my mom a lot today too. You miss so much of who your parents are when you're a kid, that it really isn't until you have a little angel with ten fingers and ten toes, show you what parents really do for a child. What real parents do because it's through real love, the purest of love, that they want you to be happy.

It is the best gift to my kids if I can help them understand and know that love. When I say I owe everything to them, it's true because without them I wouldn't have been able to feel that love or to understand my Mama's love for me.




After their haircuts with their lollipops. :O)

New Place Called Home

I sure have taken a break from blogging. My life got crazy for a while, that there was a point I just stayed away from the computer. Well that is except to check my facebook and save pictures off my camera.

Life has changed some. We are now in Hawaii stationed at Schofield and settling into our beautiful new home. Right now you probably couldn't tell how much I love it because it's messy, but I try hard to take care of it and have it reflect the way I feel. We're lucky to be in this beautiful place.











We've lived in the house a month and been in Hawaii for 2 months. At first I was quite lost and frustrated with the roads here, but I'm used to them now and whenever I am in doubt I pull out my handy dandy GPS. It drives Mike crazy how much I use it, especially when he thinks I don't need it, but he's the one who thought it'd be a good idea to get it! lol Plus there probably are times that I plug it in and use it just because. ;O)

Michael isn't here with us. He went back to live with his Mom in Florida. It's tough and sad but it was for the best and even though I could share that crappy turn of events, I won't. His mother can share her version if you really want to know. Good luck to those of you who have no idea who she even is!

Moving here we were facing a 3rd deployment but as you read I said 'were'. It's good and bad on several different levels, but at the end of the day I am grateful I won't have to worry about Mike or have him away for another year. Wondering why he isn't deploying still when his unit leaves in a few weeks?? Well that's because my stinkin' husband broke his knee 3 days before we flew to Hawaii.







Yes that is my husband....he's never been good at his timing but it is always a comical turn out. I'm not saying that him breaking his leg and ripping his ACL is funny, but when things turn out crazy sometimes all you can do is find the funny silver lining. He already had his first surgery and is recovering/going through physical therapy but it's a long process. Even though he wants to deploy he won't be fit to for atleast 6 months and that's only if the surgery went well. Time will tell.
As for now we found out today he will be on RearD but if he has anything to say about that, it won't last long.

Rebekah is almost done with school. She has a week left and then will graduate to 1st grade. It's hard watching her and Jayce grow every day. She gets bigger, smarter, and more independent that even though I am proud and grateful, it breaks my heart to know these days and these years are going so quickly. Especially with Bekah Boo because she's already almost 7 and I'll never have her like I did the first day she came home. *sigh* Staying away from that emotion....she loves the Beach!! She loves to swim, and she loves to "Surf". It is only a matter of time before Mike gets her a long board and can teach her how to really surf. I am enjoying the days of just boarding and not having to worry about the ocean swallowing up my baby. Issues?? Yeah I may have a few, but they are just mama fears.

Life has been an adjustment but a beautiful one. It certainly is beautiful here. A lot like most towns and cities in the rest of the US but much prettier views. As I move on each day and try to do a little more to get us settled, I spend many moments just trying to take it in and realize I am really on my own now, with my own family, like a real adult :O) Scary!! lol