I've been feeling very....oh what's the word? Resentful? Bitter? Angry? Annoyed?
Not quite sure but it's a negative feeling towards the sour lemons life has been tossing my way lately.
I try each day to keep walking in the positive and to see my glass half full, but I find at the end of each day I feel like, again, I have failed.
Where are we? Day 174
One Seventy Flipping Four!! In 10 days it will be 6 months down since I saw my Man In Boots and am feeling the strain of doing this alone. Trying to carry the stress of everything I keep adding to my plate has me more than overwhelmed.
Let's start with a month ago Michael came and as much as I love him, it's one of the hardest things I've ever known to be a step mom. Unless you are a step parent, with no disrespect, you can't relate. He has started acting out and showing a lot of disrespect. I can only feel like I am failing him and like I'm not a good person for him. I don't know, maybe caring for him, moving him to a new place, in the middle of a deployment with the evil step mom was not the best decision on our part. I'm not giving up though, it's just making me doubt who I am as a parent.
Then we can move on to Mike's health scare. You want to talk about a panic attack....that was a major one. For Four days I barely slept, broke down at the drop of a hat, and felt so helpless. It's almost been a week since it started and I still have an overwhelming need to cry constantly when I think of it even though he's back at work.
When I watched his plane leave until I could no longer see it, I turned and got in to my car with the constant fear I may never see him again because Afghanistan might take him from me, but I never thought about his health. So consumed with the worry of injury, you think more of that than losing him to his own body failing of sickness. Well not anymore. Another dose of reality is what I learned with that one. That man is everything that makes my heart skip. Everything that I could ever imagine true love being. To imagine life without him....is not something I can even shutter at.
On to today, carrying all the stresses of the last couple weeks on my shoulder, I woke up sick and so did Jayce. Poor little guy is miserable when the nasty Mr. Disease knocks at his door but he really does handle it well. No cleaning was done, kids didn't make it to school. Bekah missed the bus because I overslept, and I mean OVER slept. Staying up until 3am wouldn't have been bad if the sickness didn't crawl in my bed as I slept. Regardless it feels like a wasted day, and even though yesterday felt like a success, it didn't last. My question to life for myself is when will I get two days of feeling amazing....in a row?? WHAT do I need to do to make it that way? I have an amazing life, I know it, but yet can't recognize it when life throws one, or two lemon at my feet. :O/
I am a blessed girl, I just wish I could find a way to recognize that in my darkest moments, and let that carry me in to the next thought, instead of the million overwhelming emotions that flood in istead.
Here's to trying again tomorrow....
