Man it feels like my fast turning world is going to crash and shatter soon. This ride is making me sick, literally, and slowly I am becoming a big mess.
Moments each day, I think of life in a few months, I can feel the breath get sucked out of me and fill up with tears. I have done this twice before, and I really wish this crap would get easier. My life has turned back to the consuming fear of this could be our last everything and breaking that fear is incredibly hard. Our last Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, we may not make it past 8 years together, I may never have him to kiss on my birthday again.
The Army wants my husband to leave again and fight, this time in Afghanistan. We have a few months together and then my life will be back to hell. How do you prepare for this crap!?? Like twice before there is no darn answer to that question. I am terrified. I have never felt so scared for a deployment. Maybe it's because I have two babies now....or maybe it's because of where he's going this time....or maybe because you can't help but wonder if his luck will run out 'this time'. Maybe it's the fear of another homecoming and the time it takes to pick up the pieces when he comes home, and the man you fell in love with has changed a little more again. I don't know, but I know I don't want the day to come when I have to watch him walk away from me Again and hope it's not the last time.
I feel so alone, and as an Army wife, you know you're not, but how can you tell others their husband will be fine, when you're trying to convince yourself the same thing. There are no guarantees in anything and I feel like a fraud when I try to be supportive to other ladies asking for my advice and guidance.
Pretend! That's all I know to do. Pretend he's down the street, pretend he'll be there when you wake up, pretend your heart isn't breaking every day, and no matter how much it feels like you are, you aren't losing the battle of keeping it together! I hate pretending....
