Not sure if it is can't, or don't want to.
The whole house is asleep and all day I think of sleep and climbing in bed but then when the time comes I just lay here.
I can just stare at the ceiling, listen to him snore, and feel the tears roll down onto the pillow, leaving a wet circle for me to eventually pass out on.
Now I don't want sympathy and definitely not pity because I know I have so many who understand and relate. I'm just sharing.
There are times the darn thought of him leaving just makes me so emotional and pissed that I want to scream. You know the crazy girl outside with her hands in a fist, being pushed down by locked arms and stiff legs, shaking body, tilting her head back and making a scream that sounds more like a woman who would rather break something, hurt something, anything than just let out a noise. The sound that when you hear it, it's better to steer clear. But the thing I'm angry at isn't anything I can physically touch or put my hands around. After all how do you hurt goodbye? It has all the power in hurting you.
I'm so tired of goodbye. See you later. Watching him walk away, knowing everything that everyone involved is going to miss out on. Mostly him. Praying that This Time when he comes home, it'll be easier than the last. I'm just angry, then sad, then angry, then numb. It's all exhausting really, yet I am laying here in my bed punching out the white blocks on my phone hoping it will make me too exhausted to even be exhausted with the thought anymore.
The days are passing so quick that to fall asleep and let the night take anymore time seems like I should he punished for not taking advantage of every moment. To fall asleep and wake up knowing for however many hours, I didn't listen, or run my fingers up and down his arm, it feels like a crime. How can I let that slip by?
If it were only a few months, I'd be okay. That's a piece of cake for me. No one should have to know for a year that each holiday, birthday, anniversary could be your last or to know you won't have this next year. It'll be atleast 2 years before it rolls around again (maybe) for you to share together.
Some may say you should live like today is your last day and part of me agrees. You should enjoy every minute because you don't know when they may end. Living like that is different than living with the knowledge that he may never share another moment with you and you will have to live them alone.
To have it staring in your face every day is like staring in to a black cloud of haze that continues to suck you dry of you.
My ceiling is full of images from our 8 years together. And as I lay here I see flashes of memories we have together. Like a photo album you flip through with each blink. I just pray the images I have aren't all there will ever be.
Now if I could just get the radio to stop playing sappy love songs and change to some partying or drinking songs, I might be able to turn off my mind from thinking this way. Then again it might feel better to throw it against the wall for continuing to help me feel sad and pushing more tears out, onto my pillow that now I need to flip it over so I don't have my cold tears resting on my cheek.
Guess I'll just turn it off instead. Wouldn't want to hurt the wall because that wouldn't help either. Again its goodbye I want to punch.
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