It's been a while! Seems I start that way every few months on this thing because I fall in and out of blogging. But the Break (again) is over.
I need my OUT for this deployment. I have done well with not feeling the constant need to pound out my frustrations on the keyboard but I feel it all stacking up inside.
We have made it through the first full month of Deployment and in that month, I have had numerous break downs, numerous lift ups, Bin Laden was killed, and one of our Soldiers from 3rd BDE gave his life for the War in Afghanistan.
It's very emotional to go through the day to day, but I do it. Somehow, I do it.
I am not always at my best and too many days I feel like I am failing at keeping it together but most importantly I am still trying. God Bless my babies and brother, for they put up with all my emotions and each time I snap, yell, or lose my mind on them. Yet, half the time THEY ARE WHY I do that, it still dissapoints me that I can not keep it together 100% of the time. I won't lie or try to pretend that I can handle every second of the day with a smile, because I am human and can't. My promise to myself, Mike, and them is to try harder the next day and even when I fail early in the morning, I keep trying as the day goes on. :O)
One of my snaps was just this evening. Jayce decided to take the laundry detergent and poor it all out into my drawer below the washer. We have the front loader style with the pedastal underneath and when I saw the detergent continuing to fill up my laundry room floor, I was not happy to open the drawer and see it full of blue detergent. I got quite frustrated because it seems my 2 year old can NOT leave things alone that he has been told NO to a hundred times. He is smart and he knows better but he really is a menace. I took him straight to his room and put him to bed. He wasn't happy with me for that but sometimes a Mother knows it is just better to not "deal" with the child in the moment. If I was a cartoon character at that moment I would have had my head spinning in circles with steam coming our of my ears and nose.
Everyone knew I was not in a happy place, because when I came back downstairs to clean up the mess, both Bekah and Jonathan had quietly dissapeared to their rooms. LOL They are very smart kids at times!!
Then came the joy of cleaning that up! Now if you have ever tried to clean up laundry detergent it is quite a challenge. I decided to use hand towels to scoop it out of the drawer and rinse as much as I could in the sink. Which I need to say to housing, THANK YOU for the deep sinks in the launrdy rooms. It really is one of the only things ya'll have done right in making these homes and it has become my life saver on numerous occasions.
Back to my clean up process, it took a while and then I had to clean the floor with a seperate cleaner and paper towels because of course the detergent makes the floors slippery. *sigh* I was quite lost on what would be the best option on how to handle the towels soaked in detergent that after rinsing them as much as possible, I put them in the washer!!
Take a moment....can you imagine what happened?? SMH
Think about it....
Just another second....
Did it come to you????
Yep, SUDS!! And suds in a front loader are not like suds in a top loader. It took almost 3.5 hours to do one load becuase the machine had to keep stopping to let the suds pop and then rinse again. As I write this I am actually able to finally get that load out of the dryer. My laundry room and that load of towels really do smell good. They should, they were only treated to a full on cleaning with a WHOLE bottle of detergent.
In all of that stress and what felt like errupting emotions, I was able to realize how lucky and grateful I am that Jayce was not hurt. He didn't try to drink it or get it all over himself and is upstairs sleeping peacefully.
Tomorrow might bring even more madness but as Mommy, I am ready.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Monday, December 6, 2010
Trying to hurt Goodbye
Can't sleep.
Not sure if it is can't, or don't want to.
The whole house is asleep and all day I think of sleep and climbing in bed but then when the time comes I just lay here.
I can just stare at the ceiling, listen to him snore, and feel the tears roll down onto the pillow, leaving a wet circle for me to eventually pass out on.
Now I don't want sympathy and definitely not pity because I know I have so many who understand and relate. I'm just sharing.
There are times the darn thought of him leaving just makes me so emotional and pissed that I want to scream. You know the crazy girl outside with her hands in a fist, being pushed down by locked arms and stiff legs, shaking body, tilting her head back and making a scream that sounds more like a woman who would rather break something, hurt something, anything than just let out a noise. The sound that when you hear it, it's better to steer clear. But the thing I'm angry at isn't anything I can physically touch or put my hands around. After all how do you hurt goodbye? It has all the power in hurting you.
I'm so tired of goodbye. See you later. Watching him walk away, knowing everything that everyone involved is going to miss out on. Mostly him. Praying that This Time when he comes home, it'll be easier than the last. I'm just angry, then sad, then angry, then numb. It's all exhausting really, yet I am laying here in my bed punching out the white blocks on my phone hoping it will make me too exhausted to even be exhausted with the thought anymore.
The days are passing so quick that to fall asleep and let the night take anymore time seems like I should he punished for not taking advantage of every moment. To fall asleep and wake up knowing for however many hours, I didn't listen, or run my fingers up and down his arm, it feels like a crime. How can I let that slip by?
If it were only a few months, I'd be okay. That's a piece of cake for me. No one should have to know for a year that each holiday, birthday, anniversary could be your last or to know you won't have this next year. It'll be atleast 2 years before it rolls around again (maybe) for you to share together.
Some may say you should live like today is your last day and part of me agrees. You should enjoy every minute because you don't know when they may end. Living like that is different than living with the knowledge that he may never share another moment with you and you will have to live them alone.
To have it staring in your face every day is like staring in to a black cloud of haze that continues to suck you dry of you.
My ceiling is full of images from our 8 years together. And as I lay here I see flashes of memories we have together. Like a photo album you flip through with each blink. I just pray the images I have aren't all there will ever be.
Now if I could just get the radio to stop playing sappy love songs and change to some partying or drinking songs, I might be able to turn off my mind from thinking this way. Then again it might feel better to throw it against the wall for continuing to help me feel sad and pushing more tears out, onto my pillow that now I need to flip it over so I don't have my cold tears resting on my cheek.
Guess I'll just turn it off instead. Wouldn't want to hurt the wall because that wouldn't help either. Again its goodbye I want to punch.
Not sure if it is can't, or don't want to.
The whole house is asleep and all day I think of sleep and climbing in bed but then when the time comes I just lay here.
I can just stare at the ceiling, listen to him snore, and feel the tears roll down onto the pillow, leaving a wet circle for me to eventually pass out on.
Now I don't want sympathy and definitely not pity because I know I have so many who understand and relate. I'm just sharing.
There are times the darn thought of him leaving just makes me so emotional and pissed that I want to scream. You know the crazy girl outside with her hands in a fist, being pushed down by locked arms and stiff legs, shaking body, tilting her head back and making a scream that sounds more like a woman who would rather break something, hurt something, anything than just let out a noise. The sound that when you hear it, it's better to steer clear. But the thing I'm angry at isn't anything I can physically touch or put my hands around. After all how do you hurt goodbye? It has all the power in hurting you.
I'm so tired of goodbye. See you later. Watching him walk away, knowing everything that everyone involved is going to miss out on. Mostly him. Praying that This Time when he comes home, it'll be easier than the last. I'm just angry, then sad, then angry, then numb. It's all exhausting really, yet I am laying here in my bed punching out the white blocks on my phone hoping it will make me too exhausted to even be exhausted with the thought anymore.
The days are passing so quick that to fall asleep and let the night take anymore time seems like I should he punished for not taking advantage of every moment. To fall asleep and wake up knowing for however many hours, I didn't listen, or run my fingers up and down his arm, it feels like a crime. How can I let that slip by?
If it were only a few months, I'd be okay. That's a piece of cake for me. No one should have to know for a year that each holiday, birthday, anniversary could be your last or to know you won't have this next year. It'll be atleast 2 years before it rolls around again (maybe) for you to share together.
Some may say you should live like today is your last day and part of me agrees. You should enjoy every minute because you don't know when they may end. Living like that is different than living with the knowledge that he may never share another moment with you and you will have to live them alone.
To have it staring in your face every day is like staring in to a black cloud of haze that continues to suck you dry of you.
My ceiling is full of images from our 8 years together. And as I lay here I see flashes of memories we have together. Like a photo album you flip through with each blink. I just pray the images I have aren't all there will ever be.
Now if I could just get the radio to stop playing sappy love songs and change to some partying or drinking songs, I might be able to turn off my mind from thinking this way. Then again it might feel better to throw it against the wall for continuing to help me feel sad and pushing more tears out, onto my pillow that now I need to flip it over so I don't have my cold tears resting on my cheek.
Guess I'll just turn it off instead. Wouldn't want to hurt the wall because that wouldn't help either. Again its goodbye I want to punch.
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Friday, November 26, 2010
Day 3 (3sixty5) Happy Thanksgiving!
Today was a really wonderful day. We had our neighbors, Danielle and Chuck oversight their three kiddos and made a bunch of food. They made the turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, pumpkin pie, stuffing, and biscuits while we made the ham, green bean casserole (Mikes fave!), cherry pie, macaroni, and jello. It was awesome making our first Thanksgiving dinner together. The cherry pie was interesting but good. Haha
It was tough not being with either of our families, but nice to know we can enjoy the day with each other and friends. Now that the day is done, I'm a little sad knowing next year we will be apart, but even more of a reason to enjoy it more than we do. There is so much for us to be grateful for and we are.
Hope everyone else had such a nice day. Now tomorrow it's time to decorate for Christmas. I am not going to join the crazier for Black Friday either. I did it last year, we can take this one off. :0)
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Day 2 (3sixty5)
He checked out to be fine. He seemed like he might have a sore throat or issue with his ears, but it was good. He seems to have allergies a little but nothing too bad. They gave us some zyrtec but he won't have it unless he needs it. As of now he seems to be feeling better each day. :0)
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