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Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Day 1 (3sixty5)
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
New Design
Finally! I have taken the time to sit down, design my blog, and get it set up the way I want. It has been too long since I wrote on my here but with this last year going as fast as it has, it has me realizing how important it is to really remember and 'freeze' each day with memories. I mean it's already almost 2011!! I don't know why the world keeps spinning faster, but each year I find myself saying, "It feels like just yesterday...." and then ending with a date almost a year ago. It's depressing really because it's all flying by but I am determined to hold on to each one.
I was going to start a 365 project at the first of the year, but why wait!? With each day being one less together before Mike deploys and we have to wait 2 years to have the holiday's together again, now is the time to start and not wait. The only thing missing in our day to day is Michael, and it's tough to have him far away, but it'll be exciting to see him in March and be all together for a couple of weeks.
So tomorrow I will start taking pictures again (atleast 1 per day) and sharing them with what we did that day. Now I warn you, some days will be more boring than others!! LOL We are after all, a military family with school, work, and never enough beach days! :O)
I was going to start a 365 project at the first of the year, but why wait!? With each day being one less together before Mike deploys and we have to wait 2 years to have the holiday's together again, now is the time to start and not wait. The only thing missing in our day to day is Michael, and it's tough to have him far away, but it'll be exciting to see him in March and be all together for a couple of weeks.
So tomorrow I will start taking pictures again (atleast 1 per day) and sharing them with what we did that day. Now I warn you, some days will be more boring than others!! LOL We are after all, a military family with school, work, and never enough beach days! :O)
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Losing the Battle
Man it feels like my fast turning world is going to crash and shatter soon. This ride is making me sick, literally, and slowly I am becoming a big mess.
Moments each day, I think of life in a few months, I can feel the breath get sucked out of me and fill up with tears. I have done this twice before, and I really wish this crap would get easier. My life has turned back to the consuming fear of this could be our last everything and breaking that fear is incredibly hard. Our last Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, we may not make it past 8 years together, I may never have him to kiss on my birthday again.
The Army wants my husband to leave again and fight, this time in Afghanistan. We have a few months together and then my life will be back to hell. How do you prepare for this crap!?? Like twice before there is no darn answer to that question. I am terrified. I have never felt so scared for a deployment. Maybe it's because I have two babies now....or maybe it's because of where he's going this time....or maybe because you can't help but wonder if his luck will run out 'this time'. Maybe it's the fear of another homecoming and the time it takes to pick up the pieces when he comes home, and the man you fell in love with has changed a little more again. I don't know, but I know I don't want the day to come when I have to watch him walk away from me Again and hope it's not the last time.
I feel so alone, and as an Army wife, you know you're not, but how can you tell others their husband will be fine, when you're trying to convince yourself the same thing. There are no guarantees in anything and I feel like a fraud when I try to be supportive to other ladies asking for my advice and guidance.
Pretend! That's all I know to do. Pretend he's down the street, pretend he'll be there when you wake up, pretend your heart isn't breaking every day, and no matter how much it feels like you are, you aren't losing the battle of keeping it together! I hate pretending....
Moments each day, I think of life in a few months, I can feel the breath get sucked out of me and fill up with tears. I have done this twice before, and I really wish this crap would get easier. My life has turned back to the consuming fear of this could be our last everything and breaking that fear is incredibly hard. Our last Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, we may not make it past 8 years together, I may never have him to kiss on my birthday again.
The Army wants my husband to leave again and fight, this time in Afghanistan. We have a few months together and then my life will be back to hell. How do you prepare for this crap!?? Like twice before there is no darn answer to that question. I am terrified. I have never felt so scared for a deployment. Maybe it's because I have two babies now....or maybe it's because of where he's going this time....or maybe because you can't help but wonder if his luck will run out 'this time'. Maybe it's the fear of another homecoming and the time it takes to pick up the pieces when he comes home, and the man you fell in love with has changed a little more again. I don't know, but I know I don't want the day to come when I have to watch him walk away from me Again and hope it's not the last time.
I feel so alone, and as an Army wife, you know you're not, but how can you tell others their husband will be fine, when you're trying to convince yourself the same thing. There are no guarantees in anything and I feel like a fraud when I try to be supportive to other ladies asking for my advice and guidance.
Pretend! That's all I know to do. Pretend he's down the street, pretend he'll be there when you wake up, pretend your heart isn't breaking every day, and no matter how much it feels like you are, you aren't losing the battle of keeping it together! I hate pretending....
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Penny for Your Thoughts
Today, as a Mommy and Daughter was tough.
My day was full of choking back tears and trying not to lose it at any moment.
Growing up you are always ready to run, ready to leave, and ready to 'start your life'. Along the way people try to tell you not to be in a rush and enjoy your youth, but who wants to listen to that!? Not me.
I loved my life and my childhood but like every kid, I wanted to make my own decisions and be out on my own where no one could tell me what to do, and I could live the free life. That happened, for about 6 months. :O)
Standing there today, my two babies got their first haircuts at a salon, and all I could think was "Where is the rewind button?" I saw it all in fast forward up to that moment and it made me sad to see all that I had missed along the way because I was in a hurry to get to the next moment.
In those few moments, I took it in and my heart was filled with joy and so much happiness I couldn't believe where my life has traveled to. Jayce is 17 months in 3 days, and Bekah is going to be 7. 7!? I can remember where I was, what I was doing, and what I wanted at 7. I wanted it all to hurry up so I could be 8...13...16...18. I hope Bekah doesn't but I know she's a little girl and does. We've already had the conversation how when she is a grown up, she is going to change her name to Penny. LOL She saw it on a show and thinks it's a pretty name and wants it to be hers. I agreed, when she's grown up, she can and I will always remember that moment even though she won't.
Then there is Jayce. My little boy, my heart melter. He lost his baby curls today and to me looks 6 months older! I tear up right now as I think of it because it hurts. He's changing so much, I see it every day and I know he will be grown much faster than I want. He's so handsome with his new haircut, but it's that first official step that he won't be a 'baby' much longer.
Mama's know. Thought of my mom a lot today too. You miss so much of who your parents are when you're a kid, that it really isn't until you have a little angel with ten fingers and ten toes, show you what parents really do for a child. What real parents do because it's through real love, the purest of love, that they want you to be happy.
It is the best gift to my kids if I can help them understand and know that love. When I say I owe everything to them, it's true because without them I wouldn't have been able to feel that love or to understand my Mama's love for me.
After their haircuts with their lollipops. :O)
My day was full of choking back tears and trying not to lose it at any moment.
Growing up you are always ready to run, ready to leave, and ready to 'start your life'. Along the way people try to tell you not to be in a rush and enjoy your youth, but who wants to listen to that!? Not me.
I loved my life and my childhood but like every kid, I wanted to make my own decisions and be out on my own where no one could tell me what to do, and I could live the free life. That happened, for about 6 months. :O)
Standing there today, my two babies got their first haircuts at a salon, and all I could think was "Where is the rewind button?" I saw it all in fast forward up to that moment and it made me sad to see all that I had missed along the way because I was in a hurry to get to the next moment.
In those few moments, I took it in and my heart was filled with joy and so much happiness I couldn't believe where my life has traveled to. Jayce is 17 months in 3 days, and Bekah is going to be 7. 7!? I can remember where I was, what I was doing, and what I wanted at 7. I wanted it all to hurry up so I could be 8...13...16...18. I hope Bekah doesn't but I know she's a little girl and does. We've already had the conversation how when she is a grown up, she is going to change her name to Penny. LOL She saw it on a show and thinks it's a pretty name and wants it to be hers. I agreed, when she's grown up, she can and I will always remember that moment even though she won't.
Then there is Jayce. My little boy, my heart melter. He lost his baby curls today and to me looks 6 months older! I tear up right now as I think of it because it hurts. He's changing so much, I see it every day and I know he will be grown much faster than I want. He's so handsome with his new haircut, but it's that first official step that he won't be a 'baby' much longer.
Mama's know. Thought of my mom a lot today too. You miss so much of who your parents are when you're a kid, that it really isn't until you have a little angel with ten fingers and ten toes, show you what parents really do for a child. What real parents do because it's through real love, the purest of love, that they want you to be happy.
It is the best gift to my kids if I can help them understand and know that love. When I say I owe everything to them, it's true because without them I wouldn't have been able to feel that love or to understand my Mama's love for me.
After their haircuts with their lollipops. :O)
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